You know when you’re not even having a bad day but it’s just like not wonderful? I moved here thinking that it would be so amazing, and granted I’ve only been here for like two weeks or something, but I feel like a zoo animal or a mannequin. I feel like something everyone wants to just stare at but not talk to. Oh, you know what an even better example would be, someone walking their dog on a busy street.
When you see someone walking their dog, you go “oh my gosh, you’re so cute! Hi puppy!” then you bend down to pet the dog; maybe you ask the owner the dogs name, but you never just stop some random person on the road to simply speak to them. (Well, at least most people don’t do that) That’s how I feel, I’m the dog owner, I’m a zoo animal, and I’m a mannequin. Plus, what makes it even more of a slap in the face, is that every person back home is utterly in shock that I haven’t made 50 best friends or that I haven’t gone out and done really anything. I keep getting phone calls, texts, direct messages asking “Oh my gosh, what’s your favorite thing you’ve done so far? Are you totally loving it?!” and I’m just sitting there baffled almost to the point of tears that they expect so much from me. I completely understand that they want the best for me but do they not understand that it takes time making friends when you’re basically trapped in a wild life reserve with packs and packs of wolves and you don’t know your terrain yet so for the time being you’re a lone wolf? (lol. that analogy tho.) I’m essentially walking into already created circles of friends vying for acceptance when no one wants to extend a hand. I’m not even sad about it because I know for some reason I’m supposed to be here. I know that this sounds depressing, but I’m not depressed. I’m actually more perturbed than anything. I just want people to understand that goodness takes time, and I want people to understand that the more they ask me these questions the more desperate I feel because without thinking about it I start to live in a performance mentality. I start thinking that I need to just accept any opportunity that comes so I’m not letting people down on their preconceptions of who I am and how I respond to life.
THAT IS NOT HEALTHY.
The funny part about everything is that even through my annoyance and just utter disappointment in myself for not living up to these unrealistic human expectations, I have so much peace and joy. I wake up in the morning knowing that I’m living with divine purpose. Yes, my heart carries moments of doubt but that is not a defining factor.
The crazy thing is, I keep hearing God speak about favor and then I sit here and wonder why I don’t feel as if I’m being shown favor. In deeper consideration of what that really looks like, favor isn’t exactly something that is always measured in monetary substance; it’s often measured in little breaths of peace or unexplainable joy throughout difficulty.
Psalm 5:12 (ESV)
“For you bless the righteous, O Lord; you cover him with favor as with a shield.”
There is power in speaking things into existence but there is also power in simply existing knowing that God is alive in every moment. He breaths into you, deeper and deeper, then your soul can soar.
It’s cool, the idea of fixing your eyes on God and his beautiful plan, but many times head and heart don’t align. Your head may know the fact that God can do anything but your heart may not feel that it has been seen. Often times with this idea, it causes further confusion because of how the Christian community, as a whole, chooses to combat those thoughts. There is always something to say against it. What I have decided to do is just believe that God does have my best at heart but it may not come to be in the way I think it should. I’m believing to be offended by how kind God is to me and to live in insurmountable favor, all the while knowing it may come in many different forms.
I really feel the need to reiterate the fact that I am not sad or depressed, I’m living in the headspace of being excited for the unknown and to see how God is going to follow through in his promises. I’m constantly reminded of Jeremiah 29, not because of 29:11 but because of what it says from verse 7 forward. There’s a waiting period then the promise comes to fruition. There are so many scriptural examples of waiting then promise.
Low key, I hate competition but I love a good challenge. The regret of not trying will always be worse than any regret of saying yes. That’s life. It’s exciting. This is going to be a phenomenal year.
Also, you are amazing.