Honestly, I Haven't Been Honest
As I was doing my daily devotion, right now it happens to be in Hebrews, I got crazy convicted about how I’ve been displaying and running my online persona, aka my life on social media.
Ok, let’s start from the beginning. While I was reading in Hebrews, learning about faith, I thought back to a blog post I wrote a while back, and while I was searching my archives for that post, I stopped to read some other ones that I had written years ago. As I was reading, it’s like something came and smacked me right in the face. And you guys, I’m not talking about one of those little love taps, I’m talking like full on knock-you-into-next-tuesday smack in the face.
As I read, I realized how I’ve changed over the years, and not in a good way and honestly, I haven’t been honest.
When I started writing and blogging in September of 2013, when I lived at the Dream Center in LA, it was so pure. It was me logging my thoughts and experiences and the variety of things I learned through said thoughts and experiences. It was authentic, bright, pure. Somewhere along the digital journey, a strong case could be made for 2016, I got lost in the “limelight” of the visibility I was gaining on social media.
Instead of authentically creating and sharing pieces of my heart, I started looking for validation--In the words I wrote, the photos I shared, the way I edited, the fact that companies wanted to pay me to post about them. It became this toxic place where striving took over. I forgot why I started in the first place, to simply share in hopes that what I’m going through and what I’ve gone through might help just one person.
When I was 21, and I had just gotten “real” saved, I felt like the Lord called me to write a devotional book for specifically single and dating women in their 20’s. It was one of those promises you clearly understand that the Lord is telling you, but instead of doing things to push you in the right direction, you just expect it to show up. The more noticed I became on social, the more I just assumed that I would get “discovered.” You guys, that is total bulls***. You can’t do nothing and expect something to happen. You can believe all you want, but you’ve also got to put in the work.
I truly believed the Lord would make it happen and it never came so I gave up. I retreated from the community I had spent so much time building and I forgot you. I left you in the dust of my discouragement. I thought that I had been abandoned by that dream because every time I sat down to write, I couldn’t. I tried to post something pithy and dynamic on social to get your likes and your shares, but it didn’t work. It felt like you forgot about me, but that wasn’t and isn’t the case. It was me. I left you there because I wasn’t genuinely creating anymore, I was creating for attention. What I was saying wasn’t relevant because it wasn’t true.
I want to apologize and make a pledge to you to be better at being myself and not creating for your approval but sharing because I’m genuinely learning something, or loving something, or just really like an outfit I’m wearing, or a product I actually use. A pledge to honesty, transparency, and just getting over myself and who I think you want me to be.
I’m going to start writing more, creating more--Whatever that looks like. If it’s clothes, words, paintings, drawings, activities I want it to be truly something I love.
“The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in God protects you from that.”
So, here’s to new beginnings, honesty, being yourself, and just life in general.